you :)

you make me feel happy. a happy i don't ever get to ever feel. you listen and you make me laugh and smile. you may not think you are great. but to me, honestly, you are far more than great to me. your amazing, and you amaze me in a new way, everyday. :)

because i strive to know everything about you. my heart beats faster when i just hear your name. i listen to songs and automatically think of you. even when you confuse me you make me smile. when you're sad, something inside me hurts, and i'm not satisfied till you are happy again. parts of me ache when we drop you off at home and when i look in your eyes, even if its just for a split second, i get lost, and i forget everything else. just you. :)

you don't understand how much it breaks my heart, little by little, every story i hear about you and her. i want you to know, i love you.. and i want you, to be mine. we tried it once, when i first came here, and it didn't work, cause we both wanted different things. but we both matured and now want simliar things. someone we can fall in love with, someone we can understand completely. i never stopped liking you a bit, but now the emotions can come out again. now that we hang out everyday. i love you, and i can't even call you mine.. will i ever be able too ?

a face won't show, what the heart truly knows..

Life is hard, but we have to maintain our precense. We have to realize what is right, and what is wrong. Learn about ourself, as we struggle through life. Right ? Well, i'm struggling, which is well known. I'm making new friends. Starting over. What happened in 2009 is forgotten. They aren't nor worth my time, if they disappeared like that.

2010 is a new year. I'm becoming a new person. A better person, for myself. So i don't get walked over. So I don't get hurt as easily anymore. I'm not going to be vulnerable. I'm going to be the bitch i was in 8th grade. whether people like it or not. sorry :) i'm just learning about myself. and i like having my attitude. don't mess with a bitch xD

anyway, people are driving me nuts. but i have some people i absolutely adore <3 the patio, are driving me nuts. they can't let it go, now can they ? i tried so hard to be some of their friends. but it didn't work.. ;| and i'm not going to keep trying. i tried to many times already. the kids i hang out with, i adore. they are funny, they make me smile, and they actually listen to me when i need it.

kristina, macy, randy, evan and josh are my best friends, always <3 well better be D:< lmao.

michael, alex, trisha, valeria, ashley better be my best friend as well always <3


okay o.o


numberrrrrrrrrrrsssssss :D sorry bored moment o.O


1.) fuck you. you think i'm not over it ? you are the one not over it, if it bothers you that i talk to your ex. once again, i repeat, fuck you~
2.) i can't even begin to explain you. you truly are my best friend. i'd be lost without you.. it sucks you live in australia. i miss you.. come home please ? i need you now, more than ever.
6.) i can't, i can't try anymore.. i can't. i'm alone, and it scares me.. but i hate being alone, and being close to someone scares me.. what do i do ?
7.) how come i'm the bad guy, when i was the victim ? how come i lost you all, when i knew you first ? how come i want to be friends with you all, when it seems like you all hate me ? when did things start to change, how come it changed ? when ? and how come ?
8.) struggling is the key. life is hard, yes i do know that. i've been through hard times. but never something this hard. everyday is a challenge. a challenge i'm beating. so why suddenly does it feel like i'm back at the beginning ?
9.) i need you to tell me its alright. i need you to promise it'll all get better. i need you to say you'll never leave me at my weakest point. i need you to never hurt me. but i don't know who you are.
12.) i know not to get my hopes up so high . but every smile you wear, everytime you are close, something, just something inside me gets happy, and once again, my hopes get raised, little by little, every single day.
17.) you can't even begin to understand how much i love you. three years almost, you've been my best friend. may 16th, 2007 is when my life started to get better. because you came. you saved me so many times. i fucking love you best friend. always.
19.) "never let anyone tell you, you can't. not even me.." -the pursuit of happiness :)
20.) you don't understand. and you never will. you will never possibly know how much it hurts me to see you cry. to see you hurt. and maybe that is why i push you away it seems. because i hurt people. and you are one of the last people i want to hurt. i'm sorry. but you'll never understand what you mean to me.
21.) stay away, and never come back. okay ?
22.) i need you to come back. tell me everything is going to be okay. i need you now. don't leave like you did before. it made me stronger, so thank you. but i want you back. don't leave again, please ? i need you, to act like a dad to me. like you never did.
24.) you know me. far more than i know myself. you've stuck with me since sixth grade. through all the tears i made you produce. through all the anger, all the stupid and pointless arguements. you stuck through everything. thank you. because you helped me when i needed it. i love you best friend. i'm not allowing you to leave. sorry.
29.) hello, you might want to get the stick out of your ass, and realize i am, in fact, better than you.
32.) never thought it's happen. you left. when you shouldn't have. but you did. for years. many years. but now you are back. and i'm mad at that. but thank you for coming back.
33.) i think, i think, just, just maybe, i'm the one who cares more than you do. i think that maybe i'm not your best friend. i'm not there, unlike her. i think just maybe, just a little, that it hurts.. just a little..
37.) don't leave. ever. okay ?
39.) i have a feeling you don't like me. it sucks. because you'd seem like a good friend. despite what that little punk says. so can we try and be friends ? because i'd like that..
40.) you taught me a lot. and i lost you. but i'm going to regain you again. same girl i was in eigth grade. i must regain her. i have too.
41.) i'm lost for words. i never know what to say. so lost in your eyes, that i'm afraid to look. no matter what happens, i can't afford to lose you. i'd rather not let you go.
42.) why does it seem like the world is just beginning when i'm in the same position as yesterday ?
44.) i reread the poems and feel a lot of sadness come. i prepared myself for this, so why does it hurt this much ? i'll be fine soon, right ? oh well. it's life. why does this hurt more than when blake dumped me ? i'll continue to fake a smile around you, when i feel alone.
45.) i lost. i must accept that fact. but why is it so hard ? i knew i was going to lose.. so why do i still think i can win ?
46.) a face won't show, what the heart truly knows.

fuck o_O.. :D

It's a new year. So why aren't I happy? Why do I feel empty, alone? Why does it seem like I always help people, but they don't help me in return.. I feel like I'm being used. No one truly cares. Seems like I can't be helped. I'm broken. From all of these years that have happened. Almost sixteen years. I just can't believe all of this shit happening.. I don't understand anything anymore.. I don't know who I am, but I want to know. I just don't know to find out. I feel like a piece of my heart was ripped out the moment everyone left.. Or did I leave? Am I leaving everyone? Or are they leaving? I honestly don't know. Am I pushing them away? I'm scared. That much is known. I don't even know anymore. I feel hurt, betrayed, beaten, robbed, misunderstood, confused and just, I don't know anymore. FUCK! Why can't I just disappear? Can I just escape? Can I just run? Can I please? God, just get me away. Let me escape life. Just let me.. run? Escape? Hmm, I don't know what is wrong. I wish I did, but I don't. Is that bad? I'm trying to cheer up. Smile! But it's hard, but I'm trying. Yuck, I hate this feeling, but I can't do anything about it..

/I don't wanna waste one more minute in this lonely town/ I don't wanna waste one more second figuring us out/ I just wanna run away/ escape to a brighter day/ i wanna know who you are/ i wanna know who i am/ can't you see that's the part of my that's holding me back/

i should finish that song. :]

yourheartishealing.

I've been bruised, hurt, broken, torn, beaten, robbed, stabbed in the back. I've been hurt so many times, trusted few, lost lots. I wish I knew who I was. So I would be able to save myself all of these heartbreaks.. I wish I knew more about myself. But I don't.. And it scares me so much.. It scares me to get close to people. To actually feel safe.. Yesterday [Jan 2] I cried twice because I was scared.. I had just gotten hurt by my best friend.. She broke it.. she broke my trust.. and then my mom scared me.. She didn't trust me.. She was scared.. And it scared me.. that I scared her.. I don't want to scare her, never.. And so I cried.. I cried twice.. Claire, and Logan both saved me.. Claire saved me the first time.. Logan saved me the second time.. I can't escape. It's a new year, so why can't the past just disappear? The thing I can't escape is you.. you are my future, and my past. And my present.. You, past, you, you my everything.. And it isn't the way it should be. Everyone says move on, so why can't I? Why am I still drawn to you? Why you do you haunt my every memory? My every touch, word spoken, word written. Why can't I escape you, my past? Why? I'm so scared.. My mom said she's worried about me.. She truly and deeply is worried about me.. I've been holding in things for 15 years.. 15 years too long.. I hardly show my weakness, I hardly ever cry. Really the only times I used to cry was because Chaz cried.. Not because I felt sad, alone scared or hurt. I cried because I saw my brother crying, and it showed I couldn't be strong for the both of us. Crying to me, shows weakness. You can think otherwise, because in fact most people do. But to me, I must always remain strong. It's all I know.. I need an escape, I can't stay here for too long.. I can't stay in any place for too long. My mom told me yesterday that she thinks once I get comfortable in an area, I need to leave. She thinks I'm too scared.. And I am.. Something inside of me just says run. You have nothing here.. Nothing anywhere.. My past, it's never too far away.. I just can't escape it.. I fake a smile every single day, always have. I fake a conversation and act like I actually care. I fake everything. Always have. Probably always will. I just, I can't be myself. Never have been myself, no matter what. I'm a naturally depressing girl, and I don't know how to escape it.. I'm scared... I'm so scared..