Forgetting You For Forever.

You text me, saying hello how are you. I answer then you text me saying you heard I was mad at you. And I said by who? You tell me and I say yeah. You ask again, and I tell you. I’m not really mad, well mad about the Zarrick incident, but more than anything, I’m disappointed, in you. You tell me you hope it doesn’t last forever. But in fact, I’ve been disappointed in you my WHOLE life.

You ask me where we are going to go from here. I tell you, where do you want to go? You tell me so it’s true you won’t be at my wedding. I tell you, it’s best if I don’t go. Because honestly, Christie deserves better than you. You cheat on her. And so far, that’s all that’s been said. You tell me again, what do you want me to do you’re there, I’m here. And I tell you. Nothing then. Cause nothing can be done. This summer made me realize who you are.

To be honest, I don’t want you as a dad. I don’t need you. I, I, I don’t want you. . . Sure I think about you a lot. But only because I wish you had been there. I wish you had put more of an effort to be in my life. But, you didn’t. And it can’t be fixed now.

Rae, it’s 15 years too late to try and start being a dad now. I know how you were and who you are now. Other than that, the last words I have to say to you is this. . .

15 years too late for me. Try to be Chaz, Zarrick and Nevaeh’s father. Not mine. I’m giving up all hope for you. . .

Let's Start Over

I don’t understand half the things you say, or do. I don’t understand how we are still friends. We never talk but then something happens, and everything is better, just for a while. Then it goes back to the same old. You and I hardly ever talk. Where does it end? No one understood me quite like you did, but now, I don’t even think you know who I am. And I don’t think I know who you are.

You might feel a different way, but this is how I feel. You hardly ever talk. To a point where it annoys me. And I just don’t know what else to say. What else to do. You were there, but lately, it feels like you haven’t. I know you try, but honestly, it doesn’t work. Because I don’t trust you anymore.

I want things to go back to the way they were. I sometimes sit up at night, staring at my ceiling, wondering what went wrong. And then I think, and I know what went wrong. Things started going wrong when I disappeared for a bit. I know I shouldn’t have. But I had no choice. It was my mother’s fault. And the whole time, I missed you. But now I’m back, but you aren’t. I know you’ll never read this. But I just had to say it. You know? Let it out. Because it hurts me. . . So much. . . I don’t understand.

I still say I’d die for you, because I know that’s what he’d say. Only because he is my best friend and you are his girlfriend. If I said I didn’t want to be friends with you, I’d more than likely lose him for forever. And if I lost him, I’d break. He has been my backbone for 2 1/2 years. And he knows me more than anyone else knows me. He knows when I’m down just over a text. He makes me smile, and such. So losing him, would be like losing my strength. He built me up when I was falling apart. He put me back to pieces when no one else could. And he still does. And that’s why he is my best friend, and I still continue to talk to you, only because of him.

I don’t know if I would talk to you, if he didn’t mean a lot to me. Because, in fact, you really don’t mean a thing to me. Not anymore. Though I want things to go back to the way they were, when we told each other EVERYTHING, I know it won’t happen.

But I’m hoping when you and him come down to visit me, as we’ve been planning for about 7 months now, things will change between us. Because if they didn’t, I might lose him for forever. And I couldn’t bear that.

Girl, I love you. Known you for 2 years now. But things are wrong. Let’s repair them? Because if you don’t want to put in the effort, I’ll stop trying completely. I’ve already started to give up. I can only work on it so much. You need to meet me halfway.