Fuck You.

Okay so like this morning on the way to school and last night on our way to get dinner, my mom and I were talking about my loser of a biological father. There is a reason I won't call him dad anymore. Under my cell phone it isn't under daddy anymore. It's under Rae, his name. Well actually it's Israel but you know what I mean, right? Ha. I'm talking to myself. But anyway. Ha. We were talking about how he is so manipulative. I think it's wrong that he is trying to control my little half brother. He is only nine years old. And of course doesn't know any better so he listens, because he thinks he has too.

I remember coming back to Ohio during the summer. Watching my dad treat my little brother like shit. One time he kicked Zarrick (my little brother) hard in the back because he had stepped in dog shit and had placed his shoe in the sink to clean it, just like Rae said. And he had told Zarrick he had thrown the shoe when I watched him place it in the sink. It pissed me off. And Zarrick was crying, and I was about to say something and Christie, Rae's fiance tried to stop me, telling me it wasn't my business. And I was like It's my business now. And I remember cussing at Rae telling him what he was doing was fucking wrong. And I remember him saying he didn't give a fuck. He could do whatever he wanted with Zarrick. And I remember almost everynight Zarrick would come into my bedroom and curl under my covers with me, crying, saying he wanted to go home back to his mom and I couldn't do a damn thing.

It hurts to know Zarrick is going through exactly what I went through for 15 years of my life. I didn't realize he was manipulating me until this summer of '09 when I went back to Ohio and he kept trying to tell me what to do and trying to make me feel bad for wanting to go out and hang out with friends. I remember when I asked if I could hang out with my cousin Logan, someone I missed terribly when I came to Hawaii, and he said no because he wanted to hang out with me. I remember telling him he is always home, since he hardly ever works, that he can hang out with me whenever and I could never hang out with her. I didn't want to only see her for her birthday. But he then called me stuck-up for no reason and to get the stick out of my ass. I remember hearing that and blowing up. I remember Christie yelling at me, telling me to calm down while Rae is over here saying hurtful things to me.

If you know me, you know if you say something disrespectful to me, I will talk back. And I don't regret shit.

But it hurt, and so then I called my mom and she told me to call one of my uncles and stay over there for the night to let things cool down. I remember packing my stuff, blinking back tears because I don't cry. And I remember coming downstairs and Rae stopping me asking me where I was going. I remember telling him my uncle Brett's then him getting up from the couch yelling saying I couldn't go. I didn't ask. And I remember telling him my mom said I could. And I remember him saying well is your mom here? And I know she wasn't. And when I said no he told me I had to listen to him. I blew up then. I remember saying this word for word, "Who the fuck do you think you are? You aren't my dad. I listen to my mom before anyone else." And then leaving the house, leaving him there. And the next day I called him asking if I could stay the night again because my cousin had just gotten home and I hadn't seen her at all. Makayla had just become my cousin by marriage and I hadn't seen the kid yet. And I remember him telling me I couldn't. I remember calling my mom asking her to talk to him because I remember him saying No he wanted me to come home because the girls (my cousins Zoya and Olivia and my sister Nevaeh) had made a mess in my room and I had to clean it. And when I told him I wasn't going to clean it, he called me a bitch. I remember it all so well....

So when Tara called my mom telling her what was happening now that I was gone and couldn't stick up for Zarrick anymore what Rae was doing to him. Zarrick has to go to a fucking counselor because he is so messed up in the head from Rae. And it pisses me off... I don't know why Rae can't just leave us alone. He doesn't take care of us. He doesn't act like a father to us. He needs to leave us alone. We all function without him perfectly well.

I remember when Rae left Chaz and I for five years, no contact, no nothing. And I remember coming to school in 5th grade one day crying, and Miss Emery, the student teacher, my favorite teacher of all time, pulling me out of the classroom to talk, because I just suddenly broke down. And I remember telling her that my daddy was coming home and I was seeing him after school and I was scared to see him because it had been five to six years...

But Rae, he doesn't deserve to be called my dad. Now that I think about it, he never deserved it. Victor, my step-dad is my only dad. The only one I will consider my daddy. Rae will never be my dad. I don't give a fuck about him anymore. He doesn't deserve my love.

_Lost.

When the world seems to crash around me, I just have to look in your eyes and know everything will be okay.
But you aren't here anymore... And it saddens me... To know you were taken from me and our family so young... You ended your life, for god only knows why... But I wish you hadn't...
Sometimes I lie awake at night, motionless, just thinking of you, wondering what had caused you to do that...
Tia Rosa and Jacob, they found you... I know that must haunt them for the rest of their life... Because it haunts me, just knowing they had to witness it...
I think of your face, your voice, your gentleness towards me and Chaz...
It makes tears fall from my eyes everytime I think of you...
I cry myself to sleep, secretly, never telling a soul...
Because I miss you. Though we weren't always so close, you were there for me. And I loved you. You were my familia and without you sometimes, I don't think I could have made it through life. It's been probably about 5-6 years since you've been gone, but you are still on this lonely mind... I know I should forget it, because what happened, happened. It's the past, but how can you forget someone so close to you? Someone you loved? I can't. I won't. You are apart of my heart for forever. You showed me a lot about myself. And because of you, I know never to take drugs. Never to do anything that could physically or mentally hurt me...
And I'm grateful to you for that, even if was learning from your mistakes, that caused you to take your life.
I loved you, and I still do.
And without you, I don't know what would have happened to me...
I know God took you that day because he needed another angel...
But why he took you? Only God knows.
But you'll always be my angel...
You and uncle Franki.

Living Life.

You always say life is so hard... And I didn't believe you. I just wanted to prove to you that I could make life easy, that I could do it on my own. I didn't want you to know that you were right, like every other single time. I wanted to prove that I could do this on my own, that I was strong without you. That I'd make life how I wanted to make it. Little did I know... that damn, you were right...
My name is Mica. I am but 15 years old. I'm slowly learning life isn't exactly going to go the way you planned. I'm slowly learning that life is hard, but just to continue living, it's the only way you can make life not so hard... Just to learn and live. It's okay to get hurt, it's okay to grow. It's okay to move on, to cry, to be afraid, to be scared, to love. It's okay just to be yourself. Those who hurt you, they'll learn later on how much they hurt you...
I know I'm just a teen, and I don't know what is in store with life, but I'm willing to learn, willing to see what is in store for me. I know along the way, I'll get broken, I'll get crushed, I'll get hurt, I'll get tortmented. But I'm willing to be broken, crushed, hurt and tormented, as long as in the end, it's worth it. God has so many plans in store for us. And along the way, he teaches you life lessons.
For instance when my cousin hung himself, God taught me it's okay to cry. It's okay to feel weak everyonce in a while. We all can't be strong. But it always taught me to be strong, because I am.
And when God took my uncle Frankie it also taught me not to take life for granted. Because you only live life once. And during that time, you shouldn't regret shit. Just live life. It's all you can do. Don't feel bad for stuf you say. Because in reality, it'll be forgotten soon. And even if it isn't, it shows you have a backbone. And I believe that God has something wonderful set for every single one of us. And even if we don't follow his path, that's okay. Just continue to live life. It's all we can really do. Don't take a life, don't take your own life. Just continue to live.

I know I'm repeating things a lot, because I'm just really rambling. I need to get the feel of blogging before I actually start talking for real real o_O;

God has made me my own person. He made me Mica. And my life has helped shaped me as a person. It showed me right from wrong. Good from bad. Love from hurt. I'm just merely only 15 years old, but I'm pretty wise, if you really think about it. And I'm always constantly thinking of things, and that's what this blog is for. To voice my opinions and feelings. And that's all I really want to do. I know no one will probably read this, but it's fine. I'll just read these from time to time and post new blogs, and see how I am feeling that time o_O; I hope life gets easier for me, and for you, if you are reading this. Because a hard life is never good. But remember things are never as they seem... Because if they were, life would be so simple and boring. And with everything that happens, it makes life so exciting. Including the oh so hated drama. Makes like so much more exciting doesn't it? Well, "I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep because everything is never as it seems..." (Fireflies, OwlCity).

Life is life. You have the power to change it. To make it the way you wish to live.

_LetGo.

It's 11:25 am here in Hilo, Hawaii. It's flipping crazy how months come and go. I've been here for almost 8 months, and it's probably been the happiest 8 months of my life. I know I left a lot back in Ohio, but I could give a careless at the moment.I've lost a lot of friends leaving Findlay and coming here to Hilo. But that's okay. It shows they didn't give a care about our friendship if they could drop it so easily. Sure, I know I am 6 hours behind but that gives us some time to talk during the day.The only ones I probably talk to from Ohio still are Dalton (my cousin), Logan (my cousin) and Sylvia. It shows that they don't give a care anymore. So why should I? Wow it's now 11:59 am o_O I had to chores!That's from my myspace blog.. But I got more to add..You know, life is so hard sometimes to bear. And you say stupid shit because well I don't really know... But honestly, I don't regret posting that yesterday.. I had to get my feelings out, and those Ohio people got to finally see how I felt... I felt like shit to them... And then they call me, bitching me out over the phone and texting.. And I'm like I'm not going to say sorry, because I meant every single word I wrote. I don't regret shit. And they should know not to mess with my temper. They've witnessed it back in Ohio. But anyway, they call me bitching me out and shit, and the whole time I'm thinking, "Look at what you are saying, now you wonder why I typed that..." But of course I don't say it... I don't really need to hear more. I wake up at 7 am and already I have people at my throat. It's only 7:36 am now and it's just dying for a bit. Only because the two girls bitching at me this early have to finish their history project. But seriously, come on. You lose friends, and you already lost me, so why yell at me? You know I'll bitch you back. And you know once I bitch back, I don't back down, and I always win. Ha. So you better watch what you say. Because kiddies, I'm not one to mess with o_O;
NOW! NOW NOW! The whole reason for this blog is to voice my opinions, my feelings. And if you don't like it, then don't read it? I'm not making you read this. And don't text me or call me to bitch me out. I'm sorry I feel these ways? Pfft, nope. But seriously, nah. Don't. Because you'll be messing with the wrong girl o_O;