Fuck You.

Okay so like this morning on the way to school and last night on our way to get dinner, my mom and I were talking about my loser of a biological father. There is a reason I won't call him dad anymore. Under my cell phone it isn't under daddy anymore. It's under Rae, his name. Well actually it's Israel but you know what I mean, right? Ha. I'm talking to myself. But anyway. Ha. We were talking about how he is so manipulative. I think it's wrong that he is trying to control my little half brother. He is only nine years old. And of course doesn't know any better so he listens, because he thinks he has too.

I remember coming back to Ohio during the summer. Watching my dad treat my little brother like shit. One time he kicked Zarrick (my little brother) hard in the back because he had stepped in dog shit and had placed his shoe in the sink to clean it, just like Rae said. And he had told Zarrick he had thrown the shoe when I watched him place it in the sink. It pissed me off. And Zarrick was crying, and I was about to say something and Christie, Rae's fiance tried to stop me, telling me it wasn't my business. And I was like It's my business now. And I remember cussing at Rae telling him what he was doing was fucking wrong. And I remember him saying he didn't give a fuck. He could do whatever he wanted with Zarrick. And I remember almost everynight Zarrick would come into my bedroom and curl under my covers with me, crying, saying he wanted to go home back to his mom and I couldn't do a damn thing.

It hurts to know Zarrick is going through exactly what I went through for 15 years of my life. I didn't realize he was manipulating me until this summer of '09 when I went back to Ohio and he kept trying to tell me what to do and trying to make me feel bad for wanting to go out and hang out with friends. I remember when I asked if I could hang out with my cousin Logan, someone I missed terribly when I came to Hawaii, and he said no because he wanted to hang out with me. I remember telling him he is always home, since he hardly ever works, that he can hang out with me whenever and I could never hang out with her. I didn't want to only see her for her birthday. But he then called me stuck-up for no reason and to get the stick out of my ass. I remember hearing that and blowing up. I remember Christie yelling at me, telling me to calm down while Rae is over here saying hurtful things to me.

If you know me, you know if you say something disrespectful to me, I will talk back. And I don't regret shit.

But it hurt, and so then I called my mom and she told me to call one of my uncles and stay over there for the night to let things cool down. I remember packing my stuff, blinking back tears because I don't cry. And I remember coming downstairs and Rae stopping me asking me where I was going. I remember telling him my uncle Brett's then him getting up from the couch yelling saying I couldn't go. I didn't ask. And I remember telling him my mom said I could. And I remember him saying well is your mom here? And I know she wasn't. And when I said no he told me I had to listen to him. I blew up then. I remember saying this word for word, "Who the fuck do you think you are? You aren't my dad. I listen to my mom before anyone else." And then leaving the house, leaving him there. And the next day I called him asking if I could stay the night again because my cousin had just gotten home and I hadn't seen her at all. Makayla had just become my cousin by marriage and I hadn't seen the kid yet. And I remember him telling me I couldn't. I remember calling my mom asking her to talk to him because I remember him saying No he wanted me to come home because the girls (my cousins Zoya and Olivia and my sister Nevaeh) had made a mess in my room and I had to clean it. And when I told him I wasn't going to clean it, he called me a bitch. I remember it all so well....

So when Tara called my mom telling her what was happening now that I was gone and couldn't stick up for Zarrick anymore what Rae was doing to him. Zarrick has to go to a fucking counselor because he is so messed up in the head from Rae. And it pisses me off... I don't know why Rae can't just leave us alone. He doesn't take care of us. He doesn't act like a father to us. He needs to leave us alone. We all function without him perfectly well.

I remember when Rae left Chaz and I for five years, no contact, no nothing. And I remember coming to school in 5th grade one day crying, and Miss Emery, the student teacher, my favorite teacher of all time, pulling me out of the classroom to talk, because I just suddenly broke down. And I remember telling her that my daddy was coming home and I was seeing him after school and I was scared to see him because it had been five to six years...

But Rae, he doesn't deserve to be called my dad. Now that I think about it, he never deserved it. Victor, my step-dad is my only dad. The only one I will consider my daddy. Rae will never be my dad. I don't give a fuck about him anymore. He doesn't deserve my love.