Let's Start Over

I don’t understand half the things you say, or do. I don’t understand how we are still friends. We never talk but then something happens, and everything is better, just for a while. Then it goes back to the same old. You and I hardly ever talk. Where does it end? No one understood me quite like you did, but now, I don’t even think you know who I am. And I don’t think I know who you are.

You might feel a different way, but this is how I feel. You hardly ever talk. To a point where it annoys me. And I just don’t know what else to say. What else to do. You were there, but lately, it feels like you haven’t. I know you try, but honestly, it doesn’t work. Because I don’t trust you anymore.

I want things to go back to the way they were. I sometimes sit up at night, staring at my ceiling, wondering what went wrong. And then I think, and I know what went wrong. Things started going wrong when I disappeared for a bit. I know I shouldn’t have. But I had no choice. It was my mother’s fault. And the whole time, I missed you. But now I’m back, but you aren’t. I know you’ll never read this. But I just had to say it. You know? Let it out. Because it hurts me. . . So much. . . I don’t understand.

I still say I’d die for you, because I know that’s what he’d say. Only because he is my best friend and you are his girlfriend. If I said I didn’t want to be friends with you, I’d more than likely lose him for forever. And if I lost him, I’d break. He has been my backbone for 2 1/2 years. And he knows me more than anyone else knows me. He knows when I’m down just over a text. He makes me smile, and such. So losing him, would be like losing my strength. He built me up when I was falling apart. He put me back to pieces when no one else could. And he still does. And that’s why he is my best friend, and I still continue to talk to you, only because of him.

I don’t know if I would talk to you, if he didn’t mean a lot to me. Because, in fact, you really don’t mean a thing to me. Not anymore. Though I want things to go back to the way they were, when we told each other EVERYTHING, I know it won’t happen.

But I’m hoping when you and him come down to visit me, as we’ve been planning for about 7 months now, things will change between us. Because if they didn’t, I might lose him for forever. And I couldn’t bear that.

Girl, I love you. Known you for 2 years now. But things are wrong. Let’s repair them? Because if you don’t want to put in the effort, I’ll stop trying completely. I’ve already started to give up. I can only work on it so much. You need to meet me halfway.