yourheartishealing.

I've been bruised, hurt, broken, torn, beaten, robbed, stabbed in the back. I've been hurt so many times, trusted few, lost lots. I wish I knew who I was. So I would be able to save myself all of these heartbreaks.. I wish I knew more about myself. But I don't.. And it scares me so much.. It scares me to get close to people. To actually feel safe.. Yesterday [Jan 2] I cried twice because I was scared.. I had just gotten hurt by my best friend.. She broke it.. she broke my trust.. and then my mom scared me.. She didn't trust me.. She was scared.. And it scared me.. that I scared her.. I don't want to scare her, never.. And so I cried.. I cried twice.. Claire, and Logan both saved me.. Claire saved me the first time.. Logan saved me the second time.. I can't escape. It's a new year, so why can't the past just disappear? The thing I can't escape is you.. you are my future, and my past. And my present.. You, past, you, you my everything.. And it isn't the way it should be. Everyone says move on, so why can't I? Why am I still drawn to you? Why you do you haunt my every memory? My every touch, word spoken, word written. Why can't I escape you, my past? Why? I'm so scared.. My mom said she's worried about me.. She truly and deeply is worried about me.. I've been holding in things for 15 years.. 15 years too long.. I hardly show my weakness, I hardly ever cry. Really the only times I used to cry was because Chaz cried.. Not because I felt sad, alone scared or hurt. I cried because I saw my brother crying, and it showed I couldn't be strong for the both of us. Crying to me, shows weakness. You can think otherwise, because in fact most people do. But to me, I must always remain strong. It's all I know.. I need an escape, I can't stay here for too long.. I can't stay in any place for too long. My mom told me yesterday that she thinks once I get comfortable in an area, I need to leave. She thinks I'm too scared.. And I am.. Something inside of me just says run. You have nothing here.. Nothing anywhere.. My past, it's never too far away.. I just can't escape it.. I fake a smile every single day, always have. I fake a conversation and act like I actually care. I fake everything. Always have. Probably always will. I just, I can't be myself. Never have been myself, no matter what. I'm a naturally depressing girl, and I don't know how to escape it.. I'm scared... I'm so scared..